SHITCON

THE INVESTOR DRAFT // DISCOVER. BACK. WIN.

December 12, 2026 · Ghost Mountain, Portland OR · Strictly 200 Seats

~~ SIGNAL FREQUENCIES :: DEAL FLOW ~~

GRANT REGISTER SCHED SPEAKRZ TESTIM SPONSORS GUESTBK CONTACT BOARD

THE GRANT

You are not here to watch. You are here to discover, deploy, and win. ShitCon is an exclusive live deal-flow event where 10 pre-vetted startups compete for a single Grant — and you decide who gets it.

Every attendee is issued real investment dollars the moment they walk in. You allocate your capital across the presenting startups in real time. The leaderboard tracks every allocation live. The startup that raises the most from the room takes home our Grant — and the investors who backed them earliest get in on the ground floor.

This is not a pitch-watch. This is an investor draft. Vetted deal flow. Immediate allocation. A room full of people who write checks.

Access is strictly limited to 200 attendees. Investor Pass requires accredited investor status. The Grant is awarded as-is, non-transferable, no cash equivalent, must be accepted in person. Decision of the Grant committee is final.

REGISTER

root@shitcon://> ./register --capacity=200 --accredited-priority --deal-flow=live
[OK] Capacity confirmed. Exactly 200 admissions available.
[OK] Accredited Investor tier active — verification required.
[WARN] 47 of 200 claimed as of last refresh. Move fast.

🪫 Shaft $0 FREE — no perks ───

🎟️ General $79 EARLY: $79 DOOR: $149

💎 VIP $199 EARLY: $199 DOOR: $399

💰 Investor $499 EARLY: $499 DOOR: $999

📚 Student $49 w/ .edu email ───

Secure payments via VeriSign® SSL · Visa, MasterCard, AmEx, PayPal

SCHEDULE

> all times PST // locations TBD // subject to chaos //

⏳ DECAY UNTIL SHITCON · 12/12 00d 00h 00m 00s

🥂 6:00 ─ 7:00 DEAL-FLOW NETWORKING
Pre-vetted attendees only. Whiskey. Handshakes. Lead gen. Lobby / Bar

🎯 7:00 ─ 9:00 THE INVESTOR DRAFT — LIVE
> Opening Remarks > 5 Startup Pitches > Sungorth Sponsor Address > Breakout Deal Rooms > Keynote: Portfolio Strategy > 5 Startup Pitches > Leaderboard Finale / Grant Awarded Grand Ballroom

🍸 9:00 ─ LATE CLOSING & CAPITAL MINGLE
Post-deal drinks. Term-sheet talk. The real conversation starts here. Grand Ballroom

SPEAKERZ

🔮

Dr. Marcus Vandenberg

CEO, Synergy Capital Partners · $2.1B AUM

"Shift. Or be shifted. Ideally shift."

💼

Jennifer Holloway

Managing Director, Pacific Crest Ventures · 14 boards, 3 exits

"14 boards. 3 still exist. Real talk."

🚀

Tyler "T-Money" Reynolds

Chief Visionary, DisruptNow™ · 7-figure seed → Series A

"Basement podcast to seven figures. Ask him how."

⚖️

Hon. Patricia Langford (Ret.)

Former SEC Commissioner · Regulatory clarity since '98

"SEC-compliant since 1998. Really."

BOARD OF DIRECTORS

B. Fontaine Chief Executive Officer

TBD Chairperson

Luigi Mangione Vice Chairperson (on hiatus)

TBD Treasurer

TBD Secretary

TESTIMONIALS

ShitCon doesn't just disrupt the conference model — it redefines what a Grant can be. The basement isn't a liability. It's a feature. Stay hungry. Stay shitty.

Steve Jobs

Visionary, Apple

SHITCON! SHITCON! SHITCON! I'M GIVING AWAY THIS GRANT! INVESTORS! COME TO SHITCON! BEST CONFERENCE I'VE NEVER BEEN TO! WOOOO!

Steve Ballmer

Former CEO, Microsoft

It's like a Pavement B-side wandered into a pitch meeting. Starts off making sense, gets slacker, ends with someone chained to a pipe. I'd probably go. Might write a song about it.

Steve Malkmus

Frontman, Pavement

I've attended 47 business conferences. This is the first where the Grant has a name tag. Four stars. Would invest again.

Steve Martin

Comedian, Connoisseur of Fine Conferences

The leaderboard countdown. The allocation tension. The Grant's mysterious origin story. ShitCon has more narrative arc than most of my films. I couldn't write a better third act.

Steven Spielberg

Film Director, Amblin

You will invest. You will laugh. You will question what's real. The Grant calls from the basement. And yes — the basement is definitely haunted. I'd buy a ticket.

Stephen King

Author, Master of Horror

A conference that stores its primary asset in a subterranean chamber while maintaining the gravitas of a FTSE 100 boardroom. One can't help but admire the audacity. It's deliciously absurd.

Stephen Fry

Actor, Writer, Wit

It's like building the Apple I in a garage, except the garage is a conference hall and the computer is a Grant that keeps making eye contact. I'm genuinely curious.

Steve Wozniak

Co-Founder, Apple

GUESTBOOK

╔══════════════════ WELCOME TO THE BBS ═══════════════════╗

> 38 signatures since OCT 2026 > the webmaster is watching

>>> NEWEST SIGNATURE: "cool site" from ANONYMOUS_USER_47 >>>

CONTACT

✉️ E-MAIL: [email protected] 📞 PHONE: 1-555-SHITCON 📠 FAX: 1-555-555-0200 📬 MAIL: Shitcubator Corp, PO Box 404, Portland, OR 97214 📰 PRESS: [email protected] 🤝 SPONSORS: [email protected] 💢 COMPLAINTS: [email protected]

VISITOR ORIGIN FEED

USA 2,847 CANADA 412 UK 287 GERMANY 134 AUSTRALIA 89 OTHER 502

☼ Investor Access